Last night before putting the kids to bed, my wife mentions to me that our three year old, we will call her ‘Sarah’, “is shoving kids in her class”.
Since my wife teaches in the school, I don’t bother to ask her how she knows. So with the contempt I have for those parents who look the other way while their little bullies menace other kids lurking in the back of my mind, I calmly walk up to Sarah, calmly exhort her to look me in the eyes, and calmly but sternly inform her that “we don’t push other kids”. I then ask my wife, in front of our sullen toddler, that she tell me if it happens again. Sarah gets the point. In our house those tactics tend to work.
My kids will not be bullies.
Well today, filling in the details of Sarah’s recent flirtation with bullying, my wife tells me that Sarah’s teacher, Morah F., told her how she saw our Sarah shove Rachel.
Sarah shoved Rachel, I think to myself. What happened to your “Sarah is shoving kids in her class”, I’m smart enough to stop short of asking my wife.
So my kid isn’t a bully after all. Well, not like I overreacted or anything; shoving is wrong after all, even when it’s not a regular behavior.
A little later on, my wife--again, who is a teacher in the school--complains to me how she saw how Rachel, after having filled her mouth with water from the water fountain, emptied its contents on my daughter Sarah’s head.
And at that point it hits me: The school yard is a rough place. Well, not all that rough in our school, but rough enough. And I wonder if I am I trying to take away from Sarah vital tools she may need, getting along in a kid world, where not every one will behave nice all the time. How else will our daughter communicate to Rachel--whom we all love dearly, by the way--that Sarah can give as well as receive. How will she work to ensure respectful relations between herself and her peers, if she cannot exact a fitting price for untoward behavior?
So I sit her down, and explain to her all about the appropriate use of force: self defense, preemption, proportionality-----just kidding. She’s three.
What to do:
I can’t tell her it’s cool, waiting till she gets older to tell her when it isn’t; that would be teaching the exception as the rule. Nor do I feel comfortable ignoring it, obligated as I am to teach her right from wrong.
I could teach her that it’s wrong, punishing for it when done in my presence, but ignoring it when it happens out of sight (unless it develops into a problem, of course). Or I could try to stamp it out, forcing her either to get by without it or to learn how not to get caught.
I”m leaning towards the former.
6 comments:
Could you compromise and tell her that she can only do it to get someone to stop messing with her; that it's okay to shove back but not to shove first?
Hiya Hokie!
For some reason it doesn't feel right to me, but you may be right.
Maybe I just don't feel it's entirely true; Torah allows for preemption, and that would just confuse her.
My feeling is to teach her the simple truth, namely, that it's not allowed. Let her slide a little, learning about that part of life herself. And when she gets old enough, I will teach her the laws
regarding it.
Realize that my knowledge of what a three year old can and can't grasp is very limited. So my suggestion may be too complex for her.
Given that... I would tell her that shoving is always wrong, but sometimes it is not the most wrong thing. I might use an example, suitable for her age, where measured violence prevented some wrong. Surely you can draw on Torah or other scholarship for an example she can grasp.
And then I would explain that if she shoves, she will have to explain her wrong, and you will judge whether it was the most wrong thing in that case.
Going into mother mode - the first question I would ask is what explanation does Sarah give for her behaviour? Is it only one child she is pushing or is it many? Did Sarah do it in reaction to being shoved or poked herself? Or did she want to get the child’s attention, so she gave her a shove? Assuming you and your wife don’t go around shoving each other, Sarah had to learn it from somewhere. It may even be a class-wide behaviour and should be dealt with in the context of the classroom.
Depending on the circumstances and Sarah’s answers, is how I would go about dealing with her behaviour.
If Sarah’s shoving is the result of protecting herself and she is punished for it, it could leave her with the impression that you will punish her every time she does it - even when it might be reasonably justified and necessary behaviour. This could potentially lead to a whole host of other problems later – leading to her to develop the habit of secrecy from her parents.
When I was young, the only person I really felt I could discuss anything with was my grandfather, because no matter what happened, I always felt he was the only one who would take the time to listen fairly to my point of view. He never seemed to rush to judgment. While he didn’t always agree with my rationalizations/explanations he would take the time to lead my thinking around to his point of view. Often he did not even have to tell me outright my behaviour was wrong because he was able to make me realize it for myself. Then he would guide me into suggestions about how I could go about making right what was wrong.
Learning the rules at 3 is a very important but no one should not have to take on the whole weight of the rules at 3, a little at a time, but more importantly, in my mind, one should learn that one’s parents will always give a fair hearing to one’s point of view.
"If Rachel pushes you, push her back."
"If Rachel hits you, hit her back."
This is simple cause and effect, something that even works with dogs.
Don't worry about morality; you can add that later. However children - especially Rachel - need to learn basic cause and effect.
However parents seem to muck with this all the time (I'm guilty just like everyone else), yet it's probably one of the best learning tools out there. Even adults fail to recognize this simple fact when they commit crime or expect a miracle.
Parents need to step back and allow this "natural law" to occur within limits. This way Rachel learns that bullying other kids hurts her, and Sarah learns that authority figures aren't around 24-7 to take care of her, and she has to learn to take care of herself.
Tell her that pushing, hitting, kicking, spitting, abusing people is wrong and it deserves to be punished. Tell her next that if she is willing to risk being punished for what she does, then she can dish out the punishment that other people deserve for abusing her.
Tell her finally that this sort of vigilante justice is not ideal, but sometimes in schools and society it is the only justice, and beyond some threshold, which only we ourselves can judge, some justice is better than none and worth the potential consequences.
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