There is nothing left for it but to nuke Toronto - the update

Forget the Israeli elections, war, climate change and the sinking of the global economy. I have bigger problems. For all you who think living in the eye of the Centre of the Universe is easy, rest assured, there is no party going on here.

Yesterday morning as I was attempted to apply eyeliner in front of the bathroom mirror when I was startled by the banging and clinging noises coming from underneath the bathtub. I went near the tub to investigate, but when the screeching noises started, I dropped my eyeliner and hopped out of the tub. Obviously there was some kind of a critter fight happening underneath my tub around the facet area. And from the sound and fury, it was no little critters having a go.

It was at this point, Rogue – my predator and head of internal rodent security raced into the bathroom and jumped into the tub to hunker down in front of the facets in the ‘ready to pounce and torture’ position. This is Rogue surveying the home front.

I realize this picture does not accurately reflect his true size which is mammoth for his species. And don’t be fooled by his expression of docility. I have watched him take hours to torture a cornered critter before he moves in for the kill. Trust me, even Saddam’s finest internal security agents could learn a thing or two from the Rogue.

So I did what all gun-less women do when faced with a similar situation. I grabbed my eyeliner out of the tub, picked up my make-up bag and booked it out of the bathroom. I shut the door on my way out leaving the Predator trapped in the room and went to work. I called the youngest and advised him to open the door but to use the washroom with caution.

The only time that I can tell that Rogue has left the bathtub in the last 24 hours was when I kicked him out of the tub this morning so I could take a quick shower. Although, he did insist on standing guard on the side of the tub. I duly made the pointless call to the landlord’s office, and the super hummed, hawed and muttered something about getting around to check on it as soon as his work load eased up a bit. I expect nothing much will come of it until something dramatic happens - like the building burns down because the wiring has shorted out due to chewing.

A friend asked just how big the sound was and that got me to worrying that my predator might be too small for the job because the racket was enormous. This got me to thinking maybe its not sewer rats but…raccoons. The downtown is invested with them. I can’t leave my house in the early morning or in the evening and not see raccoons – usually big, huge fat ones who can barely move because they are so bloated in size from the endless meals found to be found in the green bins which are set out everywhere. I actually find this idea more comforting. At least, if its raccoons, there is always the possibility I will get a new hat or maybe even a short jacket out of this situation.

And if its rats, well the only good rodent I know, is a dead mink. Sewer rats just don’t have any kind of a decent pelt to make a hat or coat out of. And before anyone goes all squishy-touchy-feelie on me, let me say this – Bambi does not live in my world. Now I need a game plan – any suggestions?