Maybe it’s just me.

My girlfriend was rushed via ambulance to the hospital last Friday night. She is three years younger than I. She is the mother of four young daughters and stepmother to six other teenagers. Forty-two is far too young to die from a heart attack.

The doctors and nurses have been patiently and carefully explaining all weekend to her that she was very, very lucky to survive, and she might not make it next time; if she does not quit smoking and drinking, eat properly, exercise and reduce stress from her life. She has been just as patiently telling them why she cannot do any of the above. The doctors have been appealing to me to reason with her. I think her doctors decided that I am the voice of reason owing to the fact her blood pressure goes down when I am around and increases dramatically when her family come to visit and fight at her bedside. It probably helps that I come from a loud pushy family and can effective boss her family when they get out of line.

The truth is her life is toxic and not just because of smoking, drinking, and lack of exercise. Her family life is literally killing her and she will not do what she has to do in order to lessen it. If she did, then she would be able to quit smoking & drinking respectively, eat properly and she would have the time to exercise but that would entail a major life change. It's just not going to happen.

A few months after my 40th birthday my best friend of over 20 years quit her job and took off with a hugely inappropriate man (even for a dwarf) and no one has seen or heard from her since. I still worry a lot about her. My other best friend has tried to kill herself twice in the last six weeks and my beloved older cousin refuses not only to take her meds but insists that she cannot possibly be schizophrenic. By my 41st birthday, I had managed to go through three husbands. The last one died of a heart attack at 35 years old. I joke and tell people it was the sex whicht killed them - because I am still somewhat embarrassed by expressions of sympathy from others, and do my best to try to make light of it. I have run out of hands and toes to count the number of people who have died in my life. But overall, myeveryday life is relatively calm and untroubled. I try to live as simply as I can. I think it helps that everyday I rise around four am to pray….but the longer I live - the longer goes the list of people who I have to pray for.

My grandmother died at 92 years of age. I am sure longevity has its place but I do not want to live that long. It was heart-wrenching watching the last ten years of her life. Not only were there endless health issues but the depression and loneliness was incredibly immense. She had her daughters and her granddaughters and was rarely alone but everyone else that she loved and knew her as a person and woman was dead. All her brothers, her sisters, aunts, uncles, husband, friends who help define a well-lived life were all dead. My mother tells me only the lucky get old but I personally wanted to avoid that particular burden of longevity. Now it seems like one does not have to live to be 92 years of age to taste the bitter fruit of longevity, and for some, it comes relatively early in life.