I readily own up to possessing a somewhat warped and twisted sense of humour and no doubt this post will potentially offend the few Christian conservatives who visit my blog from time to time. Luckily for me anyone who is offended will potentially send me a scolding email or comment, not come back, or just de-link me. I honestly believe that our ability to laugh at our foibles and our dearly held dogmas is a saving grace. I was visiting the Meatriarchy where he posts a piece on Sunday Bible Class and was inspired to re-read Christopher Moore’s Lamb: The gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood pal. This is how it starts:
Chapter 1Lucky for me and Moore - Christians do not issue or enact death sentences for heresy anymore.
You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.
The first time I saw the man who would save the world he was sitting near the central well in Nazareth with a lizard hanging out of his mouth. Just the tail end and the hind legs were visible on the outside; the head and forelegs were halfway down the hatch. He was six, like me, and his beard had not come in fully, so he didn't look much like the pictures you've seen of him. His eyes were like dark honey, and they smiled at me out of a mop of blue-black curls that framed his face. There was a light older than Moses in those eyes.
"Unclean! Unclean!" I screamed, pointing at the boy, so my mother would see that I knew the Law, but she ignored me, as did all the other mothers who were filling their jars at the well.
The boy took the lizard from his mouth and handed it to his younger brother, who sat beside him in the sand. The younger boy played with the lizard for a while, teasing it until it reared its little head as if to bite, then he picked up a rock and mashed the creature's head. Bewildered, he pushed the dead lizard around in the sand, and once assured that it wasn't going anywhere on its own, he picked it up and handed it back to his older brother.
Into his mouth went the lizard, and before I could accuse, out it came again, squirming and alive and ready to bite once again. He handed it back to his younger brother, who smote it mightily with the rock, starting or ending the whole process again.
I watched the lizard die three more times before I said, "I want to do that too."
The Savior removed the lizard from his mouth and said, "Which part?"
By the way, his name was Joshua. Jesus is the Greek translation of the Hebrew Yeshua, which is Joshua. Christ is not a last name. It's the Greek for messiah, a Hebrew word meaning anointed. I have no idea what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stood for. It's one of the things I should have asked him. Me? I am Levi who is called Biff. No middle initial. Joshua was my best friend.
4 comments:
That looks awesome. I have to present it to my mother. After she comes to, I'm sure she'll learn to appreciate the humour.
Just a heads up - my mother didn't.
Lamb was an awesome book - I read it twice! The Bible itself was always a little beyond me - I was never able to suspend my disbelief very well to believe that people were living to be 120, and fitting zillions of animals onto wooden boats, etc. But Biff tells the story a lot better, and in a more heartfelt way. Anyone who freaks out on you for posting about it is insecure in their own religion, so don't sweat it.
RG
Based on the excerpts it seems like a funny, down-to-earth read. Seriously though, how many Christians raise a fuss over stuff like this? Sometimes it seems like people expect us to come from the Planet Where Humour Is Forbidden!, and that's not the case.
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