Pilate’s sucks and BALLET ROCKS!

This isn’t a return to blogging but the need to rant is upon me.

The Last Amazon and I joined a woman’s gym a few weeks ago. I joined for health considerations and I signed her up because I needed someone to compete against. Now before you all go ‘tsk, tsk, shame, shame’ she’s trying to compete against her teenage daughter; you need to understand the underlying psychology of people who dance.

I know most people assume that ballet is all pinkness and light. Tutus, satin shoes and gentle arm and finger movements waving on a non-existent breeze but collectively we are the most ruthless, viciously mean, competitive people on the planet. If you told me that Adolph Hitler was a ballet dancer; I would not blink. Ballet is not for the wussies. I once taught ballet classes to a football team. Let me assure you that before the 20 minutes were up they were all crying and praying for the coach or death to release them from my care - and that was before we even left the barre. Want to make a good dancer better; surround them on the barre with dancers who are better. And besides, the Last Amazon is going to run a triathlon in July so easy access to gym equipment is all good for her.

My husband’s passing coincided with my entering early middle age and I guess my metabolism finally slowed down to almost non-existent levels, consequently, I put on considerable poundage. For the first time, I started to see my weigh climb to pregnancy levels without anything happening in vitro. I should qualify this by saying that after giving birth I was able to get into all my pre-pregnancy clothes within a week, so this was a rather alarming circumstance for myself per say, but most women I know wouldn’t have been too unduly alarmed being 43 and only 25 pounds overweight or so (unless they were only my 5’1” frame).

One of the consequences of dancing on Pointe is that I have extensive damage in both my knees and one ankle. I tried traditional drug therapy for awhile but the problem for me is that the combination of anti-inflammatory/steroid cocktail that was most effective also gave me a whole slew of nasty side effects. Some of them were more painful and inconvenient that the actual joint pain. Putting on 25 extra pounds just puts that much pressure and stress on my joints. After all, like I learned in ballet; it is only pain, but some pain is more painful than others.

There is just no way that I can face a strict diet again to lose weight, again. Here’s a dieting secret - all diets work. There is very little difference between the effectiveness of the Atkins/South Beach versus a Jenny Craig/Weight Watchers program. All that is required is that you make the mental commitment to stay within the diet’s parameters without fail. After a lifetime of strict dieting and having to keep my weight within holocaust levels per contract, I just cannot mentally be bothered to keep and make that kind of commitment to hate food. The last thing I want to do with the rest of my life is walk around chanting the dancer’s mantra in my head: food is the enemy, food is the enemy.

Unlike most people, I cannot jog or even take aerobics/step or pump it up classes. The stress on my joints is just too great so one of the few things I can do effectively is weight training. In two weeks of weight training, five times a week, I am now down 9 lbs and I had a piece of cheesecake 3 days ago. Weight training is one of the most effective things women can do to change their bodies and get fit without having to stress out over every little morsel that goes in your mouth. Besides having experienced three pregnancies I am at a greater risk for a bone density loss in middle/old age than Canadian women who have only had the standard 1.5 children and weight training helps to keep the density levels up.

First thing the LA and I did after joining the gym was spend a few sessions with a personal trainer. Trust me, even someone with some experience weight training can benefit from a few sessions with a trainer. Mind you, prepare yourself for a shock when the electronic scales are used to weight you. And a word to the wise; don’t have your prudish teenage daughter in the room when you go to get on the scales. She wouldn’t let me strip down in the middle of the gym even though I pointed out that gym was an all female environment. Furthermore, I swear that sweat pants, Nikes, leg warmers and two shirts added approximately 13 pounds to my (at home scales) weight. Oh yeah, one more thing. Exhale slowly on the scales and above all; do not breathe in till you get off.

In ballet, we often refer to something called a physical memory. Eventually, your body remembers the moves and positions and you are able to execute those positions without too much thought or concentration to remember the combinations. One nice thing I learned in the last two weeks is that my body not only remembers but wants to go back to those kinds of positions which is no doubt why I am able to leg press 4 reps per set at 120 lbs and the LA can only manage a measly 80 pounds at 3 reps per set. At this rate, I figure within two months I will be able to crush a walnut between my thighs.

Of course, I was a bit of source of puzzlement to the trainer as my feet unconsciously point my toes even when I was on a bench doing an abominable leg presses. Not only does it take a greater stress on your muscle group but apparently it looks really weird. Now as far as I am concerned, I would be quite happy for my body to not remember how to extend my leg straight up, unlock my hips so I can rotate my leg around to the back of my head. It makes a great bar trick but it just has no practical application in middle age unless I want a few middle aged men to drop dead from cardiac arrest.

So I thought that I would supplement my weight training with a little stretch class. I have never taken Pilates but I have heard a great deal about it and it was included in the gym fees which are really reasonable. The LA was quite enthused as well. I freely admit that I might have an easier time in Pilates if I hadn’t done an hour of weight training before class but that doesn’t change what I consider the elementary unfitness of some people to teach any kind of stretch class and the overall basic soundness of ballet over all other forms of stretching.

1. I will give the Pilates chickie credit for doing a basic survey before she started the class to find out that we were all relative newbies and it would have helped if she did speak above a whisper. If you are going to teach any kind of class learn to project your voice. Practice at home.

2. Spending ten minutes of class time publicly worrying about the quality of your whale song music is of absolutely no value. Plan your music selection on your own time. Here’s a tip, Ravel would work well, and Chopin would be far too fast, but whales really suck. You were right to worry but just not on my time.

3. The class should be a workout for your pupils and not the time for you to meet your own personal physical fitness goals. The class was a great workout for the instructor but held absolutely zero benefit for the rest of us. I have taught ballet classes to my peers, children, teenagers and adult beginners so I have some experience on how a class should be run. A class should never ever be run as an open call for all professional dancers to audition.

4. Demonstrate, demonstrate and then go have the class go through the moves one set at a time as a test run. Yes, that it a bit boring for you and you need to work the room ensuring that all of your pupils have the correct positioning so that they do not damage themselves unduly. Nothing is more irresponsible than a careless injury that your ineptitude as an instructor caused a pupil to make. You have been hired to instruct for your expertise and not theirs.

5. Really, really, short legs on even the most well toned body still looks really, really ugly and has no inspiration value. There is a reason why ballet instructors do not have ugly bodies. One of my favourite Ballet Mistresses at 55 had a body that reduced the average 24 year old woman to abject misery and tears.

6. If you really need a stretch class go to an adult ballet class. A professionally taught ballet class is designed to stretch and tone all muscle groups one step at a time with each movement not only leading naturally to the next but building on the next movement. I will warn you though Ballet classes are not cheap and will probably cost you more than your gym membership. Me, I will skip the Pilates and save up till I can afford to buy or have a portable ballet barre made for me for the living room.